The future is ours

so its been a really long time since i sat down to write my feelings. its been really easy to sit here and reblog quotes, sayings and words of inspiration but for some reason i haven’t had the courage to sit and type what was going in and out of my daily thoughts. i don’t know whether its a good or bad thing, i think its a little of both. i’ve been scared to sit down and write my feelings and face the last couple of months, yet at the same time i’m overwhelmed by everything that is happening and starting to think i need a place to vent. my boyfriend and i broke up in march, his choice not mine and of course i am yet again played for the fool, fool me once shame on you, twice well shame on me and here the shame is all on me. i look back and think that something wasn’t right about the relationship, there was the lack of love he had for his family, his inability to see the good in people, his constant desire to degrade anything i did and i sheepishly tagged along, it was like i wanted to fail. i saw the signs, i read the warnings and i stupidly accepted everything. i went through several weeks of heart break and i question whether i’m still in heartbreak mode - i can’t really tell. my last semester as an undergrad was without a doubt spent miserably, he ruined everything for me, from graduation to classes to having fun i will forever remember that heartbreak and upsetness i felt during that time. its kind of funny how life does these crazy things in which you feel like something is so perfect yet it is totally not and one day its completely over - out of no where.  i’ve done so many things wrong over the last two months and now i just want to make it right. i ran away from senior week, not because i wanted to but because i was scared, scared to see him, scared to have fun, scared because i knew i just wanted to get back together. after graduation i looked at life as a clean slate, a fresh start a time to be at home for summer and just see where the wind would take me. its funny because i look back on my blog from last year at this time and it scares me in so many ways mainly the fact that i wanted to try and do things on my own not with anyone. i’ve come to a point where its the beginning of june and i feel like i’m stuck in the same place. i’ve moved past my relationship, into something new with someone knew but i feel like i’m stuck in the past, stuck thinking i need to do my own thing and be my own person. i’m scared of attachment and scared to open up to anyone, i guess i truly am a whole lot confused and whole lot scared.